Journal Entry #1

Since I began taking the Vraylar a couple months ago, I have had more motivation than I have had in years. It feels great to be able to be motivated and want to get things done during the day. It’s like daytime manic and nighttime sleep. After trying so many I’m just happy to have any energy to clean my house instead of sitting around boohooing all day.

I was always the neat freak with OCD and everything had to be in its place. For the past six years, I could careless about anything that wasn’t my immediate family and pets. I had no feelings or passion for anything. If I felt something it was for a brief amount of time. I guess you could say I was numb for the past 5 + years. It isn’t like I wanted to be like that. All the medications made me depressed and if I wanted to stay awake, I had to take a pain pill. Ugh, there was no reason for any of it.

The TV had all but become my best friend. I hated going anywhere. If I did go anywhere I would buy something small to try to lift my spirits and satisfy my impulsiveness. No matter what I bought myself it was an empty purchase and a waste of money but when you have bipolar you can’t help yourself sometimes.

My husband thought I no longer loved him due to not being interested in sex. It had nothing to do with him. My anxiety wouldn’t let him touch me because the skin to skin contact felt… for lack of a better word, yucky. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband to death. Before we moved to Mississippi, sex was um like weekly at least. For 5 years we were lucky to do anything once a month or two. Now I am making it up to him and it feels greeeaaattt as Tony the Tiger would say, lol.

I felt like a piss poor parent due to the fact that my kids had to take care of me and a few times they even had to miss school to take care of the person who is supposed to be taking care of them. Now I at least wake up on time most mornings and they make it to school unless they are sick. This Vraylar has made quite a difference in my life.

Some of the meds that I have tried in the past either kept me depressed, made me feel drunk or want to commit suicide. Suicide isn’t an option for me. I have two young men to raise that need me and I lost so many to finally have them. I refuse to give up. It isn’t in my DNA. Don’t get me wrong, the impulsiveness in me does shout out at times, “maybe I should just blow my f@#$ing head off” but I don’t think I have the strength to anymore. The reason for that way to go is due to Chucky the tumor then I think about the autopsy and I want to find out the real size of it. I do have a demented mind don’t I.

That’s all for now. Good luck and stay blessed.

Published by tabbi41

I live in Long Beach, MS with my husband and 2 children. I have many health issues which I will be talking about and other various topics.

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