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Irritable

I have a problem. I am irritable most of the time. I don’t like being around other people because of this flaw. I don’t like snapping at others and biting their heads off, so to speak. My own family gets on my nerves over the tiniest of things.

For example, I fold clothes and put them away. When I return with the next days clothes the previous clothing I placed in drawers are messed up. I feel like my head is on fire just talking about it. I wash the dishes and the next day all, I mean all, the dishes are dirty it seems like. There are only 4 of us in this house. When I am talking someone interrupts me and I forget what I was saying.

I’m not entirely sure which of my illnesses I get it from. Is it the anxiety, depression, bipolar or my pituitary adenoma. I just don’t know which one to blame.

I try to take a step back and walk away from whatever I get frustrated about but it can be quite difficult at times. When someone is talking over me, I get so mad and can’t think straight. I want to tell them to just, SHUT UP. I don’t like being rude but if I try to correct them then I am the bad guy.

So how do I handle myself when I get like this. Well first I try to think about something else. I might grunt every now and then when I’m alone. I also bite my tongue but there have been a couple of times where I bit my tongue so hard that it began to bleed and I wound up with a hole in it. I would not suggest doing that. My son has a punching bag but that just makes me even angrier. I have walked away when people are talking to me but that just starts a fight.

So since I don’t really have a solution, I am open to options. Please comment especially if you have an idea that I can try.

Good luck and please wish me luck too, lol.

Featured

My First Blog Post

The Trickster

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

Have you ever had a horrible joke played on you? A joke so bad that you were embarrassed and angry. A joke that you later find out that you played on yourself? Well…I have.

I went to Walmart to pay a bill and do some shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and parked my car in front of the Lawn & Garden Center. I had a really bad gut feeling something wasn’t right. When I got out of the car,I grabbed my cars registration, you know, just in case.

I go inside, pay my bill, & get my shopping done. The entire time I was inside the store, I continued to have the same gut feeling except the thought that came with it was, ‘someone stole my car.’ I finished my shopping, checked out and walked outside.

No car. There was no car and a different vehicle sitting in mines spot. I panicked. I called 911 & reported my car, stolen. As I stood outside the doors at Walmart, I looked around the parking lot but the only car I found was the officers 20 minutes later, and a partially full parking lot.

I explained what happened to the officers. I told them about my windows being partly down because we live in South Mississippi & it was during the middle of summer. I also told them about my pit tumor & being forgetful a lot of the time. They found it interesting that I had even bothered to get my registration out of the car.

They went inside to check the cameras. As I waited, I posted on our local city Facebook page for the ones who know me to keep an eye out for my car. The Walmart I was at was just outside our city limits in another small city.

After about 30 minutes, the officers came back outside. The main one I had dealt with said, “I am the best cop ever.”

As I just stared at him he said, “I found your car.”

‘Great, where did you find it?” So many thoughts went thru my mind.

He pointed to a vehicle that was in the second parking space directly one row over in front of where we were standing. “Do you see that car right there?”

I was confused, “I swear I don’t remember parking there, I really don’t.” I apologized for wasting their time & thanked them. They did not fine me for filing a false police report.

I was so embarrassed. The employees at Walmart knew what had happened. Me being the blunt person that I am, I explained to them about ‘Chucky’ my brain tumor, my excuse.

The whole 10 minute drive home, I just knew I was going to get stopped because of this whole bad incident.

Once I made it home, I had some explaining to do on Facebook. That is when it got interesting. I updated my original post. When people asked why, I laughed & told them about Chucky. A couple people took offence to my laughing at myself.. You see, that is the way I deal with my disease instead of getting depressed.

When those select few got butt hurt & popped off, “why are you making fun of people with brain tumors?” I could have played the hand a couple different ways. Instead I just said, ‘well, it is the only way I can deal with having one.” One person apologized while the other never commented again.

Sometimes I feel that because I am as open as I am, I just need to hand out a brochure every time someone takes my way of dealing with my own issues the wrong way.

If you would like to read more about Chucky, click the link.

Mental Health Article

This is an article I submitted this morning about mental health that is to be published in an ebook. I hope if nothing else, it helps someone.

At age seventeen, I married a narcissist, wife-beating, drug dealer, albeit I didn’t know this when we first married.  My father died five months later from three different kinds of cancer.  I quickly became an alcoholic to deal with his loss and the depression I was going through.  Two weeks before my father died, we found out my mother had ovarian cancer.  She died almost two years later.  That is when I started using cocaine heavily to numb the pain.  I was on a self-destructive path.

By age twenty I was drug-free and seeing a psychologist for being promiscuous.  He diagnosed me with bipolar 1 disorder and insomnia.  The medications he put me on turned me into what felt like, was a zombie.  I didn’t feel anything, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t even know what was going on around me.  This was my first experience as a guinea pig.  

Since I had no idea what bipolar was, I did some research and found that I was basically the textbook description of a manic depressive.  I knew nothing of the illness but had watched my mother deal with depression most of my life up to that point.  I spent many years in a manic state.

My now-deceased ex-husband labelled me as crazy.  I tried to kill him twice, once was food poisoning because he made me cook with a migraine and the other time I pulled a gun on him.  Drugs were involved both times.  When I turned twenty-three, I left him for another man.  

At age twenty-four I married a man that has stuck by me through thick and thin.  He has helped me deal with my anxiety and depression when I couldn’t deal with it.  He pushed me when I needed to be pushed and has been a shoulder when I needed a shoulder to cry on.  It hasn’t been easy for him either, I know I can be difficult.

For the past eight years, my brain has been on a roller coaster.  Five years ago, I was diagnosed with a pituitary adenoma, brain tumor.  According to the neurologist I was born with it.  This made all my mental issues make sense and a reason for being.  

I have found that certain things stimulate and calm my brain.  I enjoy reading, writing, and making crafts.  I even have two blogs that I write on, one for my mental health issues and the other for an aspiring author because I am currently writing a novel. It depends on what my brain needs to do that day or that moment.  It has really helped with the depression along with my current medications.  

I have had three miscarriages and two tubal pregnancies.  This made the depression harder to deal with.  I have spent many years in therapy and have my own weird way of dealing with my shortcomings.  My rainbow baby will be sixteen years old tomorrow and his brother will be twelve on Halloween.  

As far as being a guinea pig, I have been on just about every med for bipolar that the doctors could think of.  I am currently on Vraylar which has helped dramatically with the depression and helped me become the real me again.  Buspar helps with my anxiety and of course, there are other meds for my other health issues.  

I enjoy being the crazy psycho but only I can call myself that.  I joke about my illnesses to help me cope such as, I’m so smart that my pituitary grew another brain.  No one else is allowed to make fun of me unless I crack the first joke.  If they made the first comment then I will dwell on what they said for weeks and it hurts too bad.

If nothing else, I hope my story helps one person.  We are all unique, no one is perfect and normal does not exist.

Kristy Spears

Thank You Media…

Thank you media for causing mass hysteria. Not only are you the reason for the Coronavirus blowing out of proportion but you have now caused a Starvation epidemic. By text book definition, the Coronavirus is nothing more than another strand of the common cold/flu. Every year there is a new stand of the flu. As long as you cover the basics like wash your hands, don’t touch your face and don’t cough on others, you will be fine.

Thank you media, the stores are out of food. People are stock piling and those who are not panicking are going to starve. I went to the store today only to find empty shelves. My kids are out of school due to this FEAR of the Coronavirus and have nothing in the world to eat. What are you going to due to rectify this matter? Nothing. People will be in the hospital for malnutrition and it is ALL the media’s fault.

I want to cry because not only are my kids going to starve but now millions maybe billions of people especially children have nothing to eat while others are stocked for months and the food that they bought will go bad. Money has nothing to do with this. People are out for themselves and will soon be breaking into the homes of those who stockpiled. Their lives will be in danger.

Thank you media for being the cause of more mass murders and panic on the streets. Why in the world would anyone want this type of thing to be on their conscience? How do you sleep at night?

I sit here and pray for even you media to open your eyes and realize what you have done. I pray that people have something to eat every night. I pray that this goes as quickly as it came. Lord Jesus help us all. Jesus, now is the time that we need you to call your people home and let the rest fight it out. I hate to be this way.

Tumor vs Bipolar = Confusion

I have battled bipolar disorder all my life with many obstacles. My worst issues have been irritability, depression and spending money along with addictions for 30 years. At one point I was naive and thought I had cured a majority of it through meditation. Meditation and prayer has helped tremendously but there is no such cure, yet.

A year before I found out about my pituitary tumor in 2015, I began to have more health issues than normal. The strangest was the brain zaps I was experiencing. It feels like electricity running through your brain. I later found out that they were mini seizures. Thank God I don’t have then as frequently as I did for about 4 years, every few minutes. Some days I don’t have one at all now.

A year ago, I began to become sensitive to just about everything. Fabric, noise, taste, touch it all bothered me to the point that I could scream. Staying in bed depressed was not something I enjoyed either with tears steadily rolling down my face. I was put on Vraylar for the bipolar about 6 months ago. Now most of these problems that bothered me so, have disappeared.

This lead to quite a bit of confusion over many months. I’m unable to distinguish the difference between what is caused by the bipolar and what is caused by the pituitary tumor.

Lent

What are you giving up for 40 days and nights? Jesus Christ walked the desert, fasted and prayed after He was baptist by John the Baptist. Satan tested and tempted Jesus but He refused every temptation and returned to Galilee to begin His ministry.

This year, Lent is from Wednesday, February 26th thru Thursday, April 9th. Christians between the ages of 14 and 59 fast and abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday, Good Friday and all Fridays of Lent. It is a season of reflection and preparation before celebrating Easter.

The placing of repentance ashes on the forehead to “Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.”

I know I need to give up some things like sodas, social media, nicotine, etc. One battle at a time. Good luck with your sacrifices.

Forgiveness

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to forgive? Forgiveness seems to be the most difficult thing in the world to do. How do you forgive someone that has hurt you so bad emotionally?

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Matthew 6:14-15 The Jeremiah Study Bible

This is still very hard to do. I have forgiven the person who raped me. I have forgiven many other for what they have done to me, only to ease my own conscience. Carrying around anger is very heavy and not useful. It made me an ugly person until I found a way to forgive them.

I have found it harder to forgive myself of my own wrongdoings. No matter how small or insignificant they may be, I still live with the pain I have caused everyday. These would be my regrets. I ask for forgiveness from Jesus in hopes that one day I my finally be free from my own demons.

NA 12 Steps

  1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction-that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. We continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
  11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I hope this helps someone battling addiction. Work the steps and find a meeting. Good luck.

My Hiatus

I apologize for my absence. I had to make a special trip back home to North Carolina for family that is having failing health. It was great to see everyone again and one for the last time probably.

I hope you all are doing well and in good health. I am struggling as usual. I have officially taken my LAST BUNAVAIL strip from getting off of pain pills. It is quite the adjustment. I’m having some withdrawels but not extreme, I’m very thankful for that. I am thankful that this will be over very soon. Thank God. Wish me luck.

My husband, Buck, will be having his right hip replaced yet again very soon. Next month will make it 1 year since it was done the first time. He still hurts every day. We have known from the xrays that it wasn’t put in correctly.

My new bipolar obsession is jewerly beading. I have been afraid to try it for many years until a couple weeks ago. Once I am comfortable with my work, I will be selling it on my website. Fingers crossed that I will be able to begin selling soon. I am very excited.

For a month long hiatus, this is a short post. Sometimes I just have no idea what to write and my mind goes blank. If you have to same problem, you are not alone. Journaling hasn’t even been my forte lately, ugh.

APD – Auditory Processing Disorder

A disorder affecting the ability to understand speech, in noisy environments, following directions and distinguishing between similar sounds.

In 2015, I found out about my pituitary adenoma. My brain has experienced changes that are unpleasant since then. The worst has been in the past year and a half.

I am unable to focus with any background noise. Playing the radio or someone talking is hell for me. I have to use my 3M Noise Reduction Headphones to have any sort of silence so I am able to focus. This drives me completely bonkers. If I am watching TV and someone talks to me, I have to pause the TV in order to hear and understand what that person is trying to say. Then my brain only comprehends half of what they actually say. The other half gets twisted somehow while I am trying to focus on the words.

My own words get twisted trying to speak. While reading, the words get mixed up kind of like dyslexia but I am not dyslexic. This makes reading and speaking difficult because I see words differently in my head. Some days are worse than others.

Most people that have APD are born with it. It is almost unheard of for an adult to develop the disorder unless they have had head trauma. The front and back of my skull is cracked and has been for years but has nothing to do with APD. My issue is to do with Chucky my pituitary adenoma. Since it has been a couple years since my last MRI, I can only assume that it has grown, slowly I hope.

At this point, the neurologist said it isn’t large enough to be removed without complications. If or when Chucky is to be removed, I will have to be on hormone replacements for the rest of my life. Currently I am not taking any additional hormones because I am not able to see an Endocrinologist, thanks to my insurance.

I am hoping that one day soon, I will be back to my old self. I enjoyed being able to focus on 5 conversations at once and multitasking. My memory was great. I want to feel like me again.

Perception

I have said many times, if you put 10 people in a room and show them a white wall, they will all see something different. It is all about perception.

A few years ago, I had a psychiatrist tell me that, “I had too many options to solve problems.” His explanation was, “You are like a Mercedes with parts from a Ford, a Chevrolet, a Toyota, a Jaguar and all sorts of cars made up this Mercedes which is you!

In other words, I had lived such a life that I can solve the same problem different ways. I thought most people thought the same as I do. It all depends on how you view the situation at hand.

If you want an issue to be a problem, that is what it will be, a problem. If you choose to see the issue as a small coincidence, that is what it will be.

We all live different experiences that help us to view things differently than other people. The 10 people looking at a white wall have different memories of a white wall or the color white therefore they see something different than you. If you view things from a positive point of view instead of negative, you will see something completely different, or even a happy memory.

Our perception is linked to our emotions. For instance, if you were trapped in a white room at some point in your life, the color white activates the emotion Fear. When you see the white wall, Fear takes over what you actually see. It is up to you to change the color white to a positive, say emotion Joy. You either make a new memory or search your past for a positive memory for the color white.

Our brins are wired to find what sticks out the most which is generally traumatic or fearful and angry memories. This is why it is difficult for us to focus on happiness.

Rescue Me

Guest Post

Can you imagine being locked in a cage with no one to love you? Can you imagine being in prison for doing nothing wrong? This is how animals feel when all they want is a home and someone to love.

What is a best friend? A best friend is someone that is always there for you. They are someone you can trust to tell your problems to. A best friend will NOT judge you. They will remain by your side until the end.

Do you have a best friend? Do you have someone who loves you unconditionally? Do you have a pet that only wants your love?

Animals that have been in prison and find a home, cherish their 2nd chance more than any cute 6 week old that was bred for $$$. Rescues tend to be more loving, unique and especially thankful than bred pets that haven’t been hurt.

There are many looking for homes that are either in shelters, LBPD & HSSM, or are about to be due to someone moving or strays reproducing and people with hearts got stuck with the entire litter. Are you in a position to help? Do you need a loyal friend?

Are you someone with any type of health issues that needs a support animal? Rescues make great support pets for those with mental health issues such as anxiety or seizures.

Please help a furbaby find a loving home today. Kerry Hall has done so much already, how can you help?

You can also check out Mental Health & Pets.